In one of the journal segments, David talks about some of the bizarre questions he came across while preparing for the British citizenship test. All of these questions have come from our study guide publications. Listen to the clip below.

It’s also been fascinating to work out how people discovered this website. However I’m completely baffled as to why I appear in the results for this particular search.

For the record, I’m not in Maidstone nor do I sell weed – just books I’m afraid.

Simon from Norfolk has written his own alternative version of the British citizenship test. It’s a mix of popular culture and humour – which is exactly what is missing from the official test. Here are some of my favourites:

1) Did you see the game last night? (Pick one)
a: Yes, what were Chelsea playing at?
b: Yes, what were Arsenal playing at?
c: Yes, I really fancied the labrador but it seems it was the spaniel’s night.
d: No I was busy working and contributing to the economy.

2) What do the following have in common: The Queen, turkey, Noel Edmunds, silly hats?
a: They’re all things that Prince Phillip has shot at.
b: They’re all traditional elements of a Proper British Christmas Day.
c: They’re all things that you require a licence to transport on a public highway.
d: They’re all sacred to the Church of England.

3) Barker is to Corbett as Wise is to?
a: Morecambe
b: Whitley Bay
c: Southend
d: Lowestoft

Visit Simon’s blog to take the rest of his test.

Guardian reader Sirorfeo provides some interesting revelations on the initial draft of Great British Values (as photographed through a transparent folder on Downing Street).

THE THIRTEEN BRITISH COMMANDMENTS [... would 'Common Values' sound better? G.B.]

- Thou shalt celebrate the day of our patron Saint George every year, come rain or shine, on April the…. [to consult with Culture Secretary]
- Thou shalt lament the rain in the winter, and dread the heat of the summer [... should this be humidity? -G.B.].
- Thou shalt strive for fairness and equality in all walks of public life, via a series of statutory instruments signed by our unelected and hereditary monarch
- Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and inform on him for dog-fouling.
- Thou shalt whinge incessantly about inadequate public services, whilst simultaneously refusing to pay any more tax.
- Thou shalt for thine own safety and security carry ID cards, the data on which will be duly misplaced by an errant contractor.

See the full list of commandments via Guardian

It’s three years this month since the controversial British citizenship test was launched to decide whether those applying for a UK passport have a good enough knowledge of life in this to country to become British.

To mark the ominous anniversary, a new pub quiz version of the controversial test is this week being unveiled.

And where better to test our Britishness than a traditional British boozer?

But how would the regulars in your local hostelry fair? Would your drinking mates pass the test with flying colours? Find out by downloading the quiz pack. Send us the results from your pub and we’ll report on the final results.

Click here to download the Great British Citizenship Pub Quiz (PDF) 360K

During football World Cup finals how many syllables are there in the correct pronunciation of ‘England’?
A. Two
B. Three
C. None – I can’t speak due to monumental pre-match alcohol intake

What does your local council do if you leave the lid of your wheelie bin open?
A. Close it
B. Ignore it
C. Fine you £10,000

When standing at the bar of a pub waiting to order what is the correct way to indicate to staff that you wish to buy a drink(s)?
A. Shout ‘over here you useless %$*&’
B. bang a coin on the counter noisly.
C. Pathetically wave a tenner in hope

When standing at the bar of a pub waiting to order and someone comes and stands next to you and attempts to order before you do you what us the correct response?
A. Let them do so
B. Admonish them saying ‘get in the queue sunshine’
C. Headbutt them

When driving on a motorway in the outside lane at 85mph what is the correct distance to allow between you and the car in front?
A. Six inches
B. A bit more if it’s raining
C. As stated in the Highway Code.

What is the preferred activity of young people on Friday nights?
A. Attending an adult education course
B. Bible study
C. Getting bladdered

When Manchester United are playing at Old Trafford and the scores are level after 90 minutes what is the correct course of action for the referee?
A. Play sufficient ’stoppage time’ for the Reds to score
B. Award a penalty to the home side
C. Blow for full time

How do you smuggle enough alcohol into cricket Test matches in order to have a working chance of getting jolly and avoid paying exorbitant prices to the caterers?
A. Bribe the gateman
B. Disguise 100 proof spirits with orange juice and hope the gate staff pretend not to notice like last year
C. Wear a poacher’s coat laden with tinnies

If you had been watching a film in a cinema in the Fifties what was the correct etiquette to follow as it ended?
A. Rush out as soon The End appears on screen
B. As the national anthem started up mutter ‘Bloody Hell’ and leave anyway
C. Stand rigidly to attention and sing all the words lustily but slightly out of tune

What is the appropriate response when a gang of yobs sits next to you on the Tube putting their feet on the seats and playing House music loudly on their – probably stolen – cellphones?
A. Identify the ringleader and tap his chest with your silver-topped swordstick saying ‘My good man, pray ask your friends to desist or I shall have no alternative but to call you out’
B. Refuse to have eye contact and try to look as inconspicuous as possible
C. Pretend you have to get off at the next stop and catch the following train

When you are in Tesco wanting to buy one or two bananas and only green ones are on display other than shrink-wrapped packs of more expensive organic ones what do you do?
A. Shrug and take green ones reflecting that because Tesco has told you how cheap everything is you can’t expect perfection
B. Buy some oranges
C. Tear the wrapping off the organic ones and remove ‘organic’ tags from a couple

After reading your free newspaper on the Tube in the morning what do you do with it?
A. Fold it up carefully in order to place it in the next recycling point you come to
B. Try to interest your Polish-speaking neighbour in reading it
C. Drop it on the floor with the rest of them

When you get your first local authority social housing unit what will you do with the front garden?
A. Apply for all The Daily Telegraph ‘free bulbs’ reader offers and plant and water them assiduously
B. Stick in a few cannabis plants
C. Concrete it over to accommodate your pick-up truck and your three son’s motorcycles

How will you approach your 14-year-old son’s sex education?
A. Tell the wife to sort it
B. Tell him to watch as much Big Brother as late at night as possible
C. Steal a copy of The Joy Of Sex from the library but read it yourself

What is ‘dogging’?
A. Walking on Hampstead Heath with your canine pet off the lead
B. A popular version of rapping
C. Alfresco sexual activity with strangers, usually in car parks.

What is a tax declaration?
A. Part of the Duckworth/Lewis method of deciding the result of rain-affected limited over cricket matches
B. An agreement to do some plumbing work without charging VAT
C. Something to do with Hitler invading Poland

When you take a short easyJet break on the Costa del Sol how do you approach eating out?
A. Spend the preceding weeks mugging up enough Spanish so as to be able to order confidently ‘Para empezar, un tuna de bocorones y un racion de gambas a la plancha, despues para mi ocho chuletitas y para la senorita lenguado con patatas pobres y un botella de vino tinto y un botella agua sin gaz por favor’
B. Take a box of Walkers cheese and onion crisps with you
C. Head for the nearest bar offering ‘Full English Served All Day’

When asked your opinion of rail privatisation what do you say?
A. That Richard Branson is a diamond geezer innee?
B. Unfortunately, I was at Maidstone Grammar School with Dr Beeching – where can I buy a hara-kiri sword?
C. Change at Crewe – or should that be change the crew?